Sexual Guilt

Sleeping with my girlfriend is down to less than once a week now, to be honest it's never really been great. I've known her for about 5 years and we've been sleeping together for most of them. I haven't slept with anyone else but her for quite a long time now. A monogamous sexual relationship has never worked for me.

The best sexual times for me are when I'm sleeping with several girls at once. Not at once, at once, but let's say two plus a week. That; I could handle. The guilt inside me would somehow give me a sexual power that I could release (no pun intended) on another girl. It would work both ways and I felt that it strengthened my relationship with whoever my main partner was at the time. This is back in the day when I barely ever felt the need to indulge myself in masturbation.

Concentrating on turnover rather than profit

Today, the store over the road from my flat closed down. At 8AM I went to check out if they had any reduced prices. Everything was discounted, from loaves of bread from 12p to tins of spaghetti for 14p. I spent the whole morning bringing back groceries that would last a good couple of months. Currently having very little money and no income made it hard to resist.

I've been through a stage before were I've had no money left at all. My business was heavily in debt and I could no longer afford the bills. I pulled myself together and started working extremely hard, concentrating on turnover rather than profit so I could pay bills and not go further into the red. I started working every day and night, including getting up early on weekends to concentrate on trade shows. I'd sometimes work through the night, letting the addiction of business and selling take hold. It took about 3 months of constant hard work, but I finally pulled through. The business was in shape once again.

I can't do this now as I have no turnover to manipulate. I need to find myself another income that can support me and my girlfriend.

Inheritance

I opened a letter today from my solicitors. It was regarding my Mother's estate and my inheritance. I have been left £906.82. This is a 25% share of the residue after all her other children were paid. The majority of everything my parents owned was in my Father's name. I'm not fussed about receiving any money, but it has come at a good time. I am humbled that my Mother thought of me this highly; it's a nice feeling.

Yesterday was the 13 month anniversary of her death, she was 64. I still miss her like crazy and haven't recovered properly from the grief since she died. It's true what they say, "you can't replace your Mum". There was nothing that was ever beyond her capabilities when it came to me and my Brother. Looking back I took this far too much for granted. 

For my Mum's 60th birthday I treated her. It took a few days to organise but was really worth it. I provided an itinerary of the day and made sure everyone close to her was involved. It started with a big sign hung up outside, wishing her well from all her children. After a cooked breakfast a few of them were whisked off to the hairdressers. My Mum got herself a lovely haircut. Dinner at a posh restaurant followed with several of us. The day ending in a limosuine trip to London to see We Will Rock You, a play about the rock band Queen which she thouroughly enjoyed.

The day after, my Mum fell ill and had her first stint in hospital.

£39.22 overdrawn.

My first blog entry.

I'd like to remain anonymous while writing this blog. I will be revealing parts of my character and telling truths that I have not spoken of to anyone else before. I've lead a full life and wish to share my memories to the faceless people on the internet before my mind grows older and I begin to forget things.

For each entry I hope to include a past experience or fact about my life, along with a recent event, perhaps even wishes or goals for the future. I am going to be completely honest, describing my mind as best as I can. If there is an aim for the Blog, then I hope it to be a balancing point or equilibrium between my past and future.

So we start.

It's 06:37 AM. I've just been to check the balance of my bank account and I'm £39.22 overdrawn. This might seem insignificant and perhaps a common occurence, but, two years ago I had over £200,000 in that very same bank account. I've wasted it all. I have some things to show for it, but on the whole it's been spent on holidays, nights out, drinking and gambling.

Ten years ago, almost to the day, I started a business that became very succesful. Several people were employed and it turned over millions. I have been a real success, but it's now all in the past. Today feels like the end of that very long era and the start of times to come. 

I have no job. I owe money to the tax man, I can't pay the mortgage and I know soon the creditors will start knocking on the door.